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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

Marriage dating is serious business. The people involved are looking for Mr. and Mrs. Right and are on a quest to tie the knot. Have you ever been on dates like that? It can be more like a stressful job interview than a really fun date.

When someone asks you out, you can tell if they’re looking for something long term like marriage, dating to find someone to spend intimate time with, or just dating for fun. The ones that are dating for fun are by far the ones you’ll have a better time with. The ones dating just to sleep with a person can turn out to be users you shouldn’t waste your time with. And the ones looking for marriage put too much pressure on a few simple dates.

If you’re the one looking for marriage, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to get married, of course. But it’s not something you should have in front of your mind when you go on a date. If you ask someone out based on whether or not you might marry them, you’ll probably be disappointed. And if you only say yes to those who seem like marriage material, you might be missing out on someone really great.

So are we telling you to lower your standards? If your end goal is marriage, dating can become a boring chore that’s more like screening applicants than the fun time it should be. And few things will put off the person who asked you out more than appearing desperate for a husband or wife when all they want to do is have some fun.

If you are ready for marriage, dating widely can be helpful, though. Don’t limit yourself to just the best looking person or the one you think might make a good mate. If there’s someone you think you’d have a good time with, ask for a date. Even if that person doesn’t seem to be someone you might want to marry.

In the early stages of dating, you don’t know the person well enough to judge what kind of mate they’d make. Sometimes you don’t even really know this right before you marry someone! So stop pre-judging people and eliminating possibilities too early. All you’re doing is narrowing down your choices for a fun date on Friday night.

If you open your eyes a little and ask (or say yes to) that person who you’ve overlooked all this time for whatever reason, you might be pleasantly surprised. So what if that person doesn’t seem to be marriage material! You don’t really know them well enough to make those kinds of judgments. Put aside thoughts of marriage for now and let yourself relax and have a good time.

This is not to say you can’t find your soul mate by dating; you can. Many people actually do it that way, especially when they’re not really trying. But if you’re too focused on marriage, dating is no longer the fun, social activity it should be.

Is your marriage in crisis? Has your spouse said that the two of you have no future? Don’t give up yet. Every marriage goes through rough spots. Some relationships are even strengthened by these times. Here’s how to keep hope alive even when your marriage is in trouble.

First of all, you should know that if even one partner has hope for the relationship, the marriage in crisis can be saved. Many frustrated spouses have been known to reconsider their impulse to leave. Remember that he or she also has much invested in the relationship and will have second thoughts about leaving.

Next, realize that when a marriage is in crisis, people say extreme things. Don’t take these comments personally. In some cases, your spouse will feel guilty about asking for a divorce. When this happens, he or she may cover up their feelings of guilt by acting out in an angry manner. If you take that anger personally, you are further harming a marriage in crisis.

How you react to the situation will have a profound impact on how the marriage in crisis is resolved. Don’t badger a spouse who asks for more emotional space. Use this space to sort out your own emotions. In other words, back off, regroup, and prepare for the tough work ahead. What ever you do, don’t give in to anxiety and demand immediate answers to difficult questions.

Also, lower your expectations of your spouse during this time. Sometimes when a relationship is broken, a person becomes more critical of his or her spouse. If the housework isn’t perfect or someone gets home late from work, it’s not the end of the world. There are bigger issues to address right now.

You should allow yourself your own emotions as well. Don’t rush into decisions. Find some things which help to ground you. For instance, make sure that you work out regularly to keep your body balanced. Read, undertake individual therapy, or attend church to keep your mind and spirit in shape.

It is also a good time to expand your interests and activities. Many people who have a marriage in crisis focus in on their relationship like a laser beam. As you start enjoying your own life more, your spouse will become more interested in you.

Choose to remain positive. You can’t control what your spouse does, but you can control your reactions to him or her. When a marriage is in trouble, many people become insecure and depressed. These reactions only do a marriage in crisis more damage. Trust your ability to find a creative solution to your relationship difficulties.

Finally, you need to know that whatever the outcome, you did your best to resolve the issues at hand. Instead of playing the odds about whether the relationship will survive, do what you can to be helpful and loving to your spouse. That is how you rescue a marriage in crisis.

Help save marriage from the secular therapists who call themselves “Marriage and Family Counselors.” These professionals, who generally have a master’s degree in psychology have a misleading license. You would think from their titles that they are specialists to help save marriage, but when you find out what they are really trained in, you see that it is in individual therapy.

Look at the coursework required for a Marriage and Family Counselor’s License. They take classes like “individual assessment,” “group dynamics” and “multicultural counseling.” These courses are aimed at mental health challenges focusing on the individual. Marriage counseling courses, when offered, are an elective.

When they take that individual-orientation training and apply it to a married couple who says “help, save marriage,” the model fails. Often the first thing the therapist will do is send the parties to individual counseling to deal with their personal mental health issues.

This can often drive a feuding couple further apart. As separate counselors reinforce individual needs and desires over the joint needs of the relationship, the marriage disintegrates further.

So, what can you do if you want to save your marriage? You know you need professional intervention to help you communicate better and work through existing relationship problems.

Perhaps the best person to help you is your pastor. Clergy have a vested interest in preserving marriage as a sacrament. While many ministers will advise someone in an abusive situation to get out, their initial reaction is to help save marriage in general and yours in particular.

Pastoral counseling integrates psychological theory and biblical principles. The emotional and spiritual journey is seen as intertwined.

If you attend a church or place of worship regularly, you can contact the office and ask for an appointment for pastoral counseling to help save marriage.

If you don’t attend a church already, you can look for pastoral counseling at a local church. Churches tend to have an outreach to the community mission and most are open to providing services to all who ask.

Large churches, especially the so-called “megachurches” will have a special pastoral counseling staff. However, if you choose a smaller church, you will probably get attention from a senior pastor.

In either case, when you really want to help save marriage, turn to pastoral counseling rather than secular marriage counseling.

Traditional individually oriented therapy, when turned to marriage counseling, focuses on “communication skills” and “problem solving strategies.” Tackling marriage problems this way can actually stress the partners out more.

Biblically based counseling, on the other hand, can help you solve your problems in the way God intended.

If you are saying, “help, save marriage,” contact a pastor to get the real kind of marriage counseling you need.

Saving a marriage teetering on the brink of divorce can be done, but answering the question “How can I save my marriage?” is more complicated than the Sunday paper advice columns make it seem. You can do everything “right” and still end up hitting an impasse. Sound familiar? If so, here are some tips for getting around some of the common sticking points that throw the reconciliation process off the tracks.

Decide what you want from your relationship!

There are as many types of marriages as there are married couples and as long they work for the couple and any kids involved, then they work. The problems is a lot of us start wondering “How can I save my marriage?” without knowing exactly what we’re trying to “save” in the first place. After all, it’s not your marriage certificate you’re trying to save, but the relationship the two of you have.

Take some time to think over the type of relationship you want. Once you have a fairly clear vision of your ideal marriage, talk it over with your spouse. Hopefully, your visions will be similar, but if not, at least you’ll be able to see exactly what’s been holding up your negotiations.

Be honest about your behavior!

You’ve heard it all before: don’t criticize, be respectful, listen attentively. You know deep down that’s how you should be talking to each other, but is that really how you’re doing it? The way we talk to our partners tends to become a reflex over the years, so you’ll really have to pay attention to root out any problems. One good way to get a more objective view is to imagine your spouse were a casual acquaintance. If it’s not polite enough to say to someone you hardly know, then it’s not polite enough to say to your spouse, either.

Release the blame!

One of the first steps towards repairing a marriage is letting go of the need to blame the other person for anything. Let’s face it, keep trying to reach an agreement on whose fault each little problem is and you’ll be going around in circles indefinitely. So long as there are only two people in your marriage, both of you are each 50% responsible for any problems that come up. Even if you’re spouse has been unfaithful, you still need to address anything you might have done that lead to that or, in some cases, lead to your marriage to an incurable swinger.

Commit to improving!

Once you’ve managed to get past the blame game stage, the next step in answering the question “How can I save my marriage?” commitment to making efforts to treat each other better. It can help to pick certain things you want to work on like nagging less or spending more quality time together.

These tips will get you started towards making up with your spouse, but naturally there’s a lot more to it that this. It’s no good to keep asking yourself, “How can I save my marriage?” without taking action to get some qualified advice and take action to improve your relationship as soon as possible. Whether you decide to go in for counseling or find a good self-help book, do something for your marriage today.

When you’re partner seems minutes away from packing their bags—or you’re living separately already—convincing a spouse to save a marriage can seem next to impossible. If you take a step back from the situation, though, you can see that there are realistic options for changing the mind of a spouse who’s about to walk out. Here are some strategies that may just get your partner to come around.

Fake it ‘til you make it!

It’s a common strategy for business and other areas of social like, but acting “as if” can work for marriages, too. It works so well because how we act has a major influence both on how we feel and on how others see us. For a while, try forgetting that you have anything but a perfectly blissful marriage and treat your spouse accordingly. Now, that’s not going to be so easy if your partner’s still bitter and liable to pick a fight. Still, you can take advantage of those times when things are going well to try to see your spouse as the person you were deeply in love with when you decided to get married.

Be reasonable!

Whether you want you spouse to join you in marriage counseling or just try out a few tips you picked up from a book, you’ll have more success in winning them over if you don’t push. Threats, guilt trips, and begging are more likely to push your partner away than give you any success convincing a spouse to save a marriage. Instead, use a calm logical approach that taps into the underlying regard you spouse most likely still has for you or at least for the children. Statements like “With everything we’ve invested in each other, don’t you think it’s worth a try to save it?” or “Wouldn’t you rather be able to tell the kids we tried everything?” can help.

Address the problems!

When convincing a spouse to save a marriage, promises to change ring pretty hollow unless you can back them up. If you expect your spouse to believe you’re not going to repeat certain mistakes in the future, give them a real reason. This is especially important if you’ve had an affair or you’re struggling with an addiction. For instance, if you’ve started counseling to resolve an addiction that you’ve never dealt with before, your partner has a reason to believe things will get better.

Take care of yourself!

The stress and low mood marital problems naturally bring about can leave you feeling like you just don’t want to do anything. For your own sake, though, don’t give in to that feeling or you’ll only make yourself feel worse and drive your spouse farther away. Make sure you’re eating right, getting enough sleep, and not cutting corners on personal grooming. Stay on top of your responsibilities like finances and home maintenance.

Convincing a spouse to save a marriage isn’t always easy, but it can be done. The most important thing you need to do is stay calm, stay upbeat, and actively look for solutions to the problems between you. If you need more advice on convincing a spouse to save a marriage, most marriage counselors and professionally written self-help ebooks online can give you some tips.

Worried the romance is fading from your marriage and looking for a ways to get it back. Rest assured there are plenty of little things you can do strike up that spark again. No matter deeply you’re love, romance tips can go a long way towards keeping “that lovin’ feelin’” alive for decades to come.

Schedule a date night

Heard this advice before, haven’t you? Sure, it’d be great to go out to a fancy restaurant once a week, but there’s a budget to keep and kids to watch. Who has the money or the time? Well, you probably do if you use a little imagination. Are you on a tight budget? Stay in and make a gourmet meal together. Can’t find a sitter? Try swapping kids with other parents—you watch theirs on Friday night and they watch yours on Saturday night.

Spice up your lovemaking

Even when you’re truly in love, romance tips for the bedroom tend to fall by the wayside when you’re trying to deal with everything else that goes on in life. If you feel the passion’s faded a little, put some real effort into reviving it. Take some time to actually talk about your turn ons and desires. Sometimes just a book on love-making ideas can be enough to get your motors running again.

Audit your behavior

For some reason, it seems the more familiar we become with someone, no matter how much we love that someone, we tend to forget our manners around them. We end up criticizing, nagging, and taking them for granted. It’s not comfortable to admit, but most of us develop a few bad habits overtime. That’s why it can help to take a cold, hard look at how you treat your spouse and work on less-than-loving behavior that might be killing the romance/

Have real conversations

Find you have nothing to say over dinner other than “How’s the roast?” or worse, can’t think of anything to say at all? If so, make talking to each other again a top priority PDQ. Remember, for those in love, romance tips that are effective don’t always on the roses and candlelight part. The foundation of romance is emotional intimacy and you’ll only reach through frequent, open conversations about the things that really matter.

Give more

Both common sense and sociological studies hold that the more each partner invests in the marriage, the more they generally get out of it. When one partner freely expresses their love, it sets off a cycle of giving and giving-back between you that’s hard to hold back.

The nice thing is that it only takes one partner to kick off the cycle.
You just want to make sure you don’t get stuck in the position where you’re being taken advantage of or feel resentment if you don’t get as much in return.

If you’re starting to feel like the average potato soup has more romance in it than your marriage does right now, it’s time to do something about it. A dull spell can lead to serious marital problems all too quickly. So, if you want to keep alive your love, romance tips like the ones above are a good place to start.